Luxurious Lotions

Mr. Jorden's ample collection of lotions are the stuff that legends are made of...

Mr. Jorden's collection of extravagant lotions.

Patrick Fenlon

Mr. Jorden's collection of extravagant lotions.

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I arrive on the first day of school, 8th period, Chemistry class. Unfortunately no, sadly my teacher is not Bill Nye the science guy, but the closest you can get. Bill Jorden the Science Warden, NA’s greatest chemistry enthusiast. But he is not what this small tale is about, instead, it is about something even more important. Twenty four individual and unique lotion bottles, and the way they add the pinch of salt to chemistry class, the icing on the cake.

You might ask, “Now why on earth would he need so many different lotions or even any?”. And, that’s a good question, but before I answer I’d like to describe my favorites.

First, Wild Honeysuckle– on that first day of school as I referenced before, Wild Honeysuckle was the first lotion introduced when some confused student asked the obvious question “Why do you have lotion back there?”. And, in a very detailed scientific way, he replied: “In case your skin gets dry”. So, as he continued he explained how Wild Honeysuckle was his favorite(for still unknown reasons), giving me the obvious idea to immediately moisturize up. As soon as class ended, I walked to the small, colorful, sunlit shelf to take in the luxurious lotions. When I found the bottle, I was perplexed with why it had flowers on the front instead of a beehive, yet I got past that fact and decided to push on. As I popped the lid open I immediately got the overpowering sense of Jasmine flowers and only a slight hint of honey. Well, that was too far, I could just not accept how the name did not line up with the scent OR the design. So, I marked one lotion down and decided I would go on the hunt the next day. (Only later I learned wild honeysuckle was a type of plant)

Second, Cucumber Melon– that second day of school I was determined to find the right one. My go-to for those days when your skin is just too dang dry. I arrived early to my double period, dropped my backpack off at my seat, and went on an expedition exploring the personalities of each lotion. Cucumber Melon had that sweet Trident Watermelon gum smell, but better. It didn’t become over sweet because it had that cucumber holding the sweetness back leaving it at the perfect breaking point of flavor. I grabbed that lotion and overenthusiastically squirted a little too much on my hand. But it was ok because that aroma would follow me around the rest of the day, leaving me with a slight grin knowing my hands smelled better than everyone else’s. Later that day, on the way home on the bus I forced everyone within a one-seat vicinity to smell my hands, so they could know their hands didn’t smell like Cucumber Melon.

Lastly, Midnight for Men– I was made acquaintances with it after many weeks of repeated melon. Honestly, I sadly got a bit tired of it and wanted a new lotion in my life. When on the topic of lotions in class the warden of lotions brought up how some other period’s favorite lotion was Midnight for Men. To say the least, I was intrigued. If a whole other class all liked this one lotion, it had to be good. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be another Wild Honeysuckle is all I thought. So, I squeezed a tiny dot onto my hand and rubbed it in only to be surprised with how pleasant and warm the smell was. It was the axe body spray of lotions. The type of smell only the sexiest of men have. If some average man like me wanted to get a homecoming date Midnight for Men would be the way. It indeed was an amazing scent and a justified favorite of the other class. Sadly, it never did get me that homecoming date, but I think that might’ve been cause I never asked anyone.

So going back to the question of “Why would someone need that many lotions?”. I would say if I can write a two page opinion piece on three of his twenty-four lotions then imagine the effect these lotions have had on all of his classes over the years. And to put this in the big picture if such a small thing can affect so many people, you’d be so surprised with how seemingly small acts of kindness can affect others so so much.