Today on the Funion, now with even more electrolytes, people just cannot shut their yaps about the brand new water fountain installed near the cafeteria. According to local “water enthusiasts”, the fountain is much colder and smoother than the usual water fountains littered around Tiger Hall, which usually have the same consistency and taste as ground-up chalk. People have traveled literally millions of centimeters from their seats just to sip this nectar of the gods.

“I had strep throat before I drank from the fountain, and now it’s gone,” exclaims an excited patron of the new water depository system, “Hopefully all the people I coughed on today will drink it too.”

“Before I drank the water, I was searching for meaning in my life,” says another amazed student, “Now I know my purpose. To drink more water.”

Personally, the acclaimed minds at the Funion favor another water entirely: tap. If you ever want to meet any of our esteemed writers, check the bathrooms. We’ll be at the sinks.