Today on the Funion, part of a balanced breakfast, tragedy strikes the NAI parking lot. Witnesses state that a sophomore was participating in a game of eight square when he slipped and scraped his shoe on the side of the pavement. Although no physical harm came to the sophomore, the scuff may have left irreparable damage to his psyche. Around 15 minutes later, the student was carried away in a stretcher, most likely headed to the nearest mental facility. Apparently, the haunting last words from the sophomore were repeated as he tossed and turned on the ground right after witnessing the damage to his shoe: “No shoes, no life.”.

Here’s some advice, another sacred proverb from the genius minds at the Funion: If you don’t want your shoes dirty, don’t wear them. Or just cut off your feet. Either way, problem solved.