“A felon with a literal ankle bracelet keeps trying to hit me up.”

“People think I have pills on me but they are just Altoids. I’ll eat them all to prove it! I’ll eat them all!”

“Well, I was snorting Cheez-Its.”

“If you could choose between High School Musical and reality what would you choose?”

“I’m gonna drop out of school at 16 and become a SoundCloud rapper.”

“I have a pumpkin on my head in Minecraft.”

“Plot twist: I’ve always been a snail.”

“What the heck is oatmeal?” 

“I’m so happy I’m just letting out gas.”

“Yeah, you know the huge puddle of water spilled in Tiger Hall? That was me, and I’m TRAUMATIZED.”

“Baby Boss is the best thing ever. You’re not a real man until you’ve seen Baby Boss.”

“Have you TRIED eating a candle?”

A: “What does a furry do?

B: “Sit in their mom’s basement.”

“Most of my great-uncles are dead because they did something stupid.”

“…So I hacked into her Tyler.”

“What was World War I about?”

“Yeah, that might be my probation officer.”

“Do you think I will survive if I jump out the window?”

“Have you seen his thumbs? They look like toes.”

“If you were to dig a hole from one side of the earth to another, it would only take 15 minutes.”

“I’m going to buy the ceiling so the school will not have a roof.”

“I got some iodine salt.”

“Sharks are older than trees.”